Confession time.  The Catholics in my town always went to confession on Saturday.  Being raised “kinda Episcopalian”, I felt sorry for them.  Why would you want to tell someone else your worst?  How do you look them in the eye after that?  I didn’t realize that in telling it, you could get rid of your worst secrets!   Well, I’ve got a bunch.  And I’m not sharing them with my priest.  I’m writing them down and “kissing them up to God”.  No middle man.  I’m still not comfortable with that whole “talk to the screen” bit.  I just keep picturing Oz back there being all judgmental.   It’s embarrassing.  Even as I write this I’m blushing.  I’ll live; blushing is not fatal.  Trust me.  I’m the Olympic hopeful of my nation if blushing ever becomes a recognized sport.

So I’m cleaning the closets and putting it out there- I’ve done some dumb stuff.  Not just the “drank way too much and got carried out by Albie” stuff.  I mean thoughtless stupid stuff.

Like the time I arrived really late to a dinner.  It was a group of about 12 of us, at a restaurant that I hadn’t been to.  One of my talents is remembering really dumb. bad jokes.  Not the good ones, the tasteless stupid ones.  So that night, at a table where I knew only half the people, my friend Cheryl Cates (yeah- I’m ratting you out too!), conned me into telling the “Art” jokes.  You know- the horrible jokes about a guy with no arms or legs.  I told em all.  Guy with no arms and legs on the wall- Art.  On the front step? Matt. At the beach? Sandy.  Guy with no legs, with arms, in the ocean? Bob.  Same ocean, same guy, no legs/ no arms, plus sharks? Fkd.  People laughed too.  I thought I’d met my following; a group of people who appreciated really juvenile humor.   Until dinner was over.  And that guy, the one at the end?  The one I’ve never met before?  Yeah him.  After dinner, the waitress went around the corner and brought out his wheelchair.  And I just died right there.  Because I never, ever, ever meant to hurt him.  I learned a painful lesson that night.  I needed to learn it, but he did not.  And I knew that, no matter how often he’d heard them, those jokes had to hurt.

That night happened a long, long time ago; I still feel bad about it.   So, I’ll give myself the day to wallow in my guilt, and tomorrow I’ll put it behind me.  One less burden to carry.  After that night I did some thinking and reminded myself about who I want to be, and don’t.  I also defined what kind of people I want to have around me.  I defined for myself the rules for friendship (Or the Ho Code).  That is the silver lining.  There are all kinds of people in the world, and there’s no reason to waste your life on shitty friends!

*** Taken from “The Vatican Rag” by Tom Lehrer.  Favorite song from my childhood. The Vatican Rag

First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want, if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin’ the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional,
There, the guy who’s got religion’ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playing it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman,
Ave Maria,
Gee it’s good to see ya,
Gettin’ ecstatic an’
Sorta dramatic an’
Doin’ the Vatican Rag!